If you have been searching to find a life companion for a while, especially using dating apps, by now, you may be confused, frustrated and even full of self doubt and ready to give up finding love. This is because the online apps have program its users to look for superficial qualities, for example, the apps that focus on looking at a photo and just swiping left or right.

It seems that single adults have been programmed and brainwashed to look for superficial qualities which normally means that most of those single people are looking for instant gratifications.

I have noticed when I was active on dating apps, most women only accept men that are six foot and taller. But when I would read those ladies bios or what they want from a man, I saw that those ladies were not self aware and they did not know what qualities to look for in a man, it seemed being tall is the number one importance; I remember seeing one lady wrote in her headline: “If you’re not 6 foot tall or taller, move on”.

I’m not saying that people should date anybody even though they don’t find that person attractive; what I’m saying is that we are brainwashed by society to be selective based on superficial qualities.

The same men or women who are picky are not self aware, and they don’t really know about their own flaws and what to look for in a quality partner.

The main issue is that society combined with social media, and Hollywood have programmed us to like superficial qualities and in most cases, we have been brainwashed that it is cool for us to like superficial qualities.

For example: The man who is shorter did not plan to be shorter, he was born shorter. But society, Hollywood, and social media promote the fact that a man’s tallness should be a very important factor in selecting a man. So when a woman says that the man that she is looking for must be tall, she wants the approval of our current society which honors that it is cool to seek a tall man.

Below qualities should be the most important things to look for a man or a woman for a long-term relationships:

  1. Self-awareness
    Self awareness is one of the main qualities of a highly emotionally intelligent person. The first step anyone should take before searching for a life-long relationship is to do some self assessment and discern his/her own core values and core beliefs. (please see my article on “What is core values and core beliefs”.
    It is very important to search for someone who has done some self-reflections to see what is really important to him/her, what is that person’s purpose in life and what is that person’s purpose in finding a relationship, and whether that person understands his/her own core beliefs that may be destructive in any long term relationship.
  2. Flexible Thinker
    Flexible Thinking is one of the qualities of being emotionally intelligence and is a very important characteristics that is essential for a good relationship. This is because if a person is rigid and set in his/her own ways and he/she is not willing to open up to the new ideas and other people’s perspective, that person will make a very difficult companion.
    For example, if that person has a core belief that most men are bad or most women are bad, and he/she is not a flexible thinker to revisit his/her negative beliefs, that person will make most of his/her energy to resent the opposite sex and he/she will not make a great life-long partner.
  3. Empathy, Compassion and Kindness
    Empathy is one of most important quality of an emotionally intelligent person. An empathic person has the ability to see the other’s perspective. There are different levels of empathy and the person with a high level of empathy will make a great companion.
    Compassion and Kindness complement empathy, for example, if a husband comes home and see his wife sad, if he has empathy, he notices and feels her sadness and if he has compassion and kindness, he will go out of his way to try to make her happy.
    It is important to note that if you end up in a relationship with someone who lacks empathy, you will be in such a miserable relationship and that relationship will not be a healthy one.
  4. Honesty
    Honesty is an important quality that builds trust in a relationship. Trust in an important element of having a healthy relationship.
  5. Complementing Core Values and Core Beliefs
    It is important to discover your core values and core beliefs before searching for a long term relationship.
    For example:
    If your top Core Value is to start a family and have children, then you should avoid someone who has money and power at the top of his/her core value list. This is because that person will not have the time for the family because he/she is constantly seeking new power position in life. Having children requires having both mom and dad being very involved in the children’s lives.
    If Peace and Harmony is on top of your Core Value list, then you would feel at peace in a relationship with someone who is more content in life.
    If you’re a spiritual person, you want to seek similar spiritual beliefs.
  6. Self-Confidence, Self-sufficient and Independence
    If someone is insecure about his/her ability, he/she is going to be very needy, needing constant affirmation, support and hand holding and this can overwhelm you because every person needs to have his/her own special space.
    Also an insecure person will more likely be very stingy when it comes to giving and very burdensome because he/she requires a lot of receiving.
  7. Sense of Humor
    Sense of humor can turn any sad or stressful moment into a positive one. I think with today’s stresses, couples needs to have sense of humor in order to survive.